Fifteen minutes and over a dozen snow angels later, I was sitting in my office staring at the computer trying to complete a tax return I had been working on and off all morning, but without much success. The thing, for lack of a better term, that transpired between my mother and me yesterday morning was still eating away at me.
What had I done to deserve such treatment? I had said nothing to her and couldn’t for the life of me figure out her sudden change in attitude. The fact that she would allow my family to get out in weather like that frightened me. To me, it spoke volumes. What could possibly be more important to her than the lives of my family?
My body began to quiver uncontrollably as it hit me. There was something my mother was hiding and it was so terrible that she was willing to risk the lives of my family to keep it hidden. At that thought, chills raced up my back like the icy hand of death touching my soul.
Over the next thirty minutes, I began to rack my mind as I tried to come up with the answer to the question I was convinced needed to be answered. I thought of every incident that I could bring to mind. Some where locked within my head a clue to the secret was there. I just had to find it.
I was still trying to figure things out when my wife and child came in from the cold.
“Dad,” called my son. “We’ve got the biggest snowman on the block.”
“We do? That’s nice.”
“Are you proud of me?” His face was engulfed by his smile.
“Always, why do you ask that?”
“You look sad.”
“I do?”
“Yes, you do,” interrupted my wife. “What’s going on Randy?”
I shrugged. “Still trying to make sense of everything.”
Jennifer puffed a loud burst of air. “One of these days I’m going to rip every hair in her head out. Mark my words, she and I are going to go around and around.”
“Jennifer!” I snapped shocked by the venom in her voice.
“I don’t care. No one has a right to treat their own child like she treats you.”
“She’s still my…”
“God forgive her for that.”
“Quit fighting,” shouted Kieran. “I don’t want you to fight.”
Jennifer gently wrapped him in her arms and pulled him to her. “We’re not fighting sweetheart.”
“Then why are you yelling at each other?”
“We’re not,” I injected. “Momma is mad at someone and daddy is sad. Did it sound like we were fighting?”
“Yes, and it scared me.”
“We’re sorry,” input Jennifer. “We’re not fighting. I’m upset that someone has made daddy sad.”
“Did I do it?” he asked innocently.
“No,” I replied as I walked over and began to smother both of them with kisses.
“Then who made you sad? That’s not nice.”
“That’s right,” responded his mother.
As I went to hug them, it hit me. “Aunt Katherine,” I shouted as I snapped my fingers.
“Who?” asked Jennifer.
“Katherine,” I replied as it suddenly hit me. “She’s the answer I’m looking for.” I looked at my wife and said, “Please excuse me for a second, but I’ve got to make a call.”
“To your Aunt Katie?”
“Exactly, I think she’s the answer to my dilemma.”
I began to smile and my wife followed suit. My son seemed to be trying hard to figure out what was taking place. “What about Aunt Katie?” he asked.
“Are you sure?” questioned Jennifer.
“Only one way to find out.”
“Good, let’s put this nightmare to rest once and for all.”
“You mind?” I asked.
“Nope, I’m dying to know myself.”
I hugged the both of them and she began to usher Kieran out the door as I walked over to the telephone.
After three rings, someone answered on the other end.
“Hello,” came a female voice over the phone.
“Katie, is that you?” I asked not recognizing the voice
“No, this is Trisha. Is that you Randy?”
“Hey, Trisha. How’re you doing? Is your mom in?”
“Yep, when’s that baby due and do you know what it is?”
“It’s due in April and we believe it’s a girl. Gonna name her Emily Brooke.”
“If it’s a boy?”
“Lance Alexander.”
“Hold own and I’ll get mommy for you.”
A few seconds later, my aunt was on the phone.
“Hello Randy, how’s my favorite nephew? You know I thought about you the other day. I was baking some of my homemade banana nut bread when I looked at Trishie and said, ‘I wish Randy were here. That boy loves my baking.’”
“Not just me, but everybody. That’s why you’ve won over twenty baking contests over the years. You won the Jaycees bakeoff so many times they wound up making you a judge.”
I heard her laugh before she spoke. “You were born with a silver tongue in your mouth. You ought to be in politics, but you’re honest. I guess you’d be a terrible one at that.
“Why’d you call? You didn’t call to just to check upon your old aunt did ya?”
“You’re not old and you know it.”
“Told you, you’ve got a silver tongue.”
“I called for two reasons Aunt Katherine.”
“You called me Katherine. This must be serious. What is it baby? I’m listening.”
“The first reason is to check upon you.”
I knew I was lying and was hoping she didn’t but she soon shattered that illusion.
“That’s the reason you’ll never be a good politician, you can’t lie worth a lick. I know you’re concerned about me, but that’s not why you called. What’s the real reason for calling? Is it your dad?”
“I, huh, don’t know,” I said as I stumbled across my words.
“Take your time, we’ve got all day.”
Not knowing what else to do, I spurted out what was on my mind.
“What secret is my family keeping from me?”
I heard a gasp at the other end. It was followed by silence. I stood there in silence for over a minute. I was afraid to speak because I feared she’d speak and I’d be interrupting her and thus miss something. She uttered something that I could barely hear and then after an extra long pause that seemed like an eternity to me, she began to speak.
“Wh-wh-what gave you that idea?”
“It was only a hunch until just now. You’ve now confirmed my suspicions. Boy that would answer a lot of questions about my life.”
“I’m not the person you should be talking to about this.”
“Who is?”
“How did you know? I mean, I never told and she and I were the only two who knew. Well, Aunt Rosa knew, but she’s been dead for nearly thirty years. I don’t understand how you knew.”
“I guessed. I don’t know. I may have dreamed it up. Seems like I once overheard you and momma talking about her secret. I assumed the secret was about me. It had to be. Why?” I paused trying to find the right words, but they didn’t come to me.
“Because, I knew I never fit in and that I was treated differently by…”
“That’s why you were my favorite. I wanted to make up for…”
I could hear her sobbing on the other end. They were soft and tender moans. The kind a child utters when she’s lost a beloved pet.
“Oh Randy, please forgive me? Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you!”
“Tell me what it is.”
Again, there was silence, but it was quickly followed by the voice of an operator sounding in my ear.
“Hello,” I cried. “Hello. Aunt Katie, are you there?”
I slammed the receiver down on the phone and collapsed into my chair. Within seconds, my wife was entering the room.
“You all right?” she asked.
I looked at her, smiled, and then proceeded to lie to her. “Never better, sweetie. Never better.”
“Sure,” she said as she backed out of the room and closed the door behind her. She knew that there was something wrong and was allowing me time to think it through. I was grateful that she understood that I needed sometime to sort through this.
Over the next few minutes, I began to contemplate what was happening. “So, there was something to all this. I hadn’t been imaging things all these years.” I was both frightened and comforted by this revelation. “Now that my suspicions were confirmed, what was I supposed to do with this tidbit?” Did I really want to know the answer?
I spent the next hour or so playing out the various possible scenarios in my mind. For each argument I came up with for wanting to know the secret, I came up with an equal and just as convincing counter argument. I’d lived over forty years without knowing the truth and I took comfort in that, but I also knew that I wanted to know why I had been the black sheep of the family.
I always believed that I had been adopted, but that was the lie I told myself as a child so that I could get through the abuse and loneliness. It was the kind of loneliness that comes being always on the outside looking in and hoping against hope that I’d one day be accepted. As a child, I secretly fantasized that my real parents would one day come back and claim me. When they did claim me, they’d love and accept me; no questions asked. I knew that when they returned they’d show me what it’s like to be a part of a family built upon love and not on lies.
Even though part of me knew I’d regret it, I made up my mind to find out the truth. The curiosity would eat me alive if I didn’t follow through with it. It would gnaw on me like a tiny bug slowly eating away at my insides and my sanity.
I took a few minutes to figure out how I was going to proceed with this endeavor. During this time, I thought of all the people I could possibly call about this. How had this been hidden from me all these years? Had I been told the truth and had rejected it? I didn’t know.
Once my mind began to clear, I began to make a list of all the people I thought might possibly know of this secret. After I completed the list, I began to number them by the likelihood of their knowledge. Eventually, I narrowed the list down to three people and of those three, I chose my uncle, Donald, as the most likely candidate to have knowledge of this.
Uncle Donald was a retired preacher and my dad’s confidante. They were more than just brothers. He and dad were best friends as well. The more I thought about it the more I became convinced that he had to know something about it. Once I convinced myself that my logic was strong, I picked up the telephone and began dialing.
After two rings, a soft but gravelly voice buzzed in my ear. “Hello, Randy,” Donald spoke.
“How did you know it was me?”
“Caller ID. Whatcha think?”
“It didn’t dawn on me that you’d have that.”
“Yep, what can I do for you and how are you getting along since, well, you know?”
“I’m surviving; still confused by it all, but hanging in there.”
“You know God has a plan for everything? Romans 8:28 states, ‘that God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called by Him.’”
“I know all about that. You’ve drilled that verse into my head since I was a child.”
“Did you know that your daddy gave his life to the Lord less than a week before he died? I was there when he accepted the Lord and I was the man that planted him in the water.”
“That’s nice and all, but that’s not why I called.”
“Son, knowing God is the only thing worth knowing. The Lord is the answer to all your problems and is the beginning of true wisdom.”
Shocked by his words, I interrupted him. “Why did you say that?”
“I’ve been a Christian since I was fifteen. I’ve been a preacher for nearly fifty years. If you live a life style that long, you come to know the ins and outs of it. Believe me when I tell you that I’ve been around enough to know what the Lord can and can’t do. If you let Him, He’ll answer all your prayers and even some you didn’t know you were asking.”
“That’s all well and good, but I didn’t call to talk about God. I’m not even sure I believe in such a being.”
“Too bad, He believes in you. He’s got me praying for you at this moment.”
“Tell him I appreciate that, but He’s got a lot to prove if He wants me to believe in Him.”
“That’s all right. He’s patient and I know He’s working on you. I’ve been expecting your call for about a month now.”
Chills shot up my spine. Donald told the truth regardless of the circumstances. If he stated he’d been expecting a call from me, then he had. I’d known him all my life and had never known of him lying.
“You’ve got a load on your mind, don’t you?”
There’s something about his voice that never fails to bring comfort to me. When he spoke, I felt like I was talking directly to God. I once told this to him and he laughed and stated that I was talking to God because there were really three of us having that conversation even though I could only see two.
“Unc, I need to ask you something and I want you to promise me that you’ll give me an honest answer and not hold anything back from me. Will you do it?”
“I can’t promise you something until I hear your question, but you know I’ll be truthful with you.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I’m not sure I know how to even ask this. I maybe crazy to even consider what I’m considering, but I’ve got a notion in my mind and it’s eating at my soul. I need to know something.”
“Tell me what it is.”
“Promise me you won’t laugh when I tell you.”
“You know I won’t do that.”
“Okay, here she goes. Am I adopted?”
“What?”
“Am I adopted?”
“Why do you ask that?”
“I know there’s a secret my family has kept from me and I know it involves my birth. My guess is that I’m adopted. I’ll be honest with you. That’d explain a lot of things to me.”
“What kind of things?” he asked.
“Like, why I was treated differently. Like, why I was always the black sheep. Like, why I felt unloved and like an outcast. Please, tell me that I’m not making this up. I know I’m not that paranoid. I know I was treated differently than my brother and sisters.”
“Woo,” I heard him blow into the mouthpiece. “You’re asking a great deal of me.”
“Then I’m right. My family is keeping a secret from me. Tell me what it is. I have to know! You’ve got to tell me because no one else will. What is the big mystery about my birth?”
“Whoa, slow down. You’re moving to fast for me.”
“Okay, tell me.”
I took a deep breath and my heart skipped a couple of beats as I stood there listening for him to speak.
“Randy, I made a promise to your dad even before you were born. I promised him that I would say absolutely nothing about what he was going to tell me. I’ve kept that promise for over forty years. I’m not about to break it now.”
“What?” I screamed. “You can’t do that! I have to know the truth. I demand you tell me! You have too! Please!”
I spent the next few minutes screaming at him at the top of my lungs. Whether I used foul language or not, I can’t say. All I know is that I would have strangled him had he been there with me. I was shaking once the eruption within me died away. Once that happened I began to softly sob.
“Randy,” you still there?” he asked in a tender voice.
“Y-Yes.”
“I couldn’t hear you and thought you had hung up.”
“I’m sorry I don’t mean to take this out on you.”
“I know. It must be hard for you.”
“Donnie, I’ve lived all my life knowing that I was different; that I didn’t fit in and now I am close to finding out why and I’m being stonewalled by the only three people that I know have the answers.”
“Who are the three people?”
“They’re you, momma and Aunt Katie.”
“I never knew Katherine knew.”
“And she won’t tell me. Just as you won’t”
“Randy, I made a promise.”
“Damn your promise! Didn’t it die with dad?”
“No, but I have some news for you. I have a letter written by your dad about a month before he died. It’s for you. He told me I was to give it to you only if you asked for it and believe me; this qualifies as an asking if ever there was one.”
“What does is say?”
“I don’t know, but I assume its has the answers your looking for.”
“Would you open up and read it to me?”
“Nope, I promised…”
“And you’re going to keep this one too, aren’t you?”
“Yes, he even had a back up plan for me should you die.”
“What?”
“Yeah, he said were you to die before I did, then I was to burn this letter.”
“And you don’t know what it contains?”
“No, not really, but I can guess.”
“So, can I.”
“Donnie, what did you mean with that comment about me dying before you?”
“Your dad knew he was on borrowed time the day he entrusted that letter to me. He’d gone to the doctor and they told him his heart was in poor condition and that he could have a massive heart attack at any time.”
“That explains a great deal. Why…”
“What explains a great deal?”
“Why my dad who had a heart as strong as an ox’s dies of a heart attack.”
“Your dad’s heart wasn’t that strong. He’s suffered through a couple of minor heart attacks over the last year alone.”
“What? How’d you know this?”
“He told me. He wouldn’t even tell you mother. He told me and that’s how he came to the Lord. Once he got saved, I baptized him myself. I dunked him that day in your sister’s indoor pool. He had begun to make the final arrangements for his death over a year ago. You know him. He’s like you. He’s got to plan for every thing.
“It’s kinda odd and spooky if you think about it. He’s had everything arranged for at least a year now. He prepaid his funeral. He picked out his own suit. He’d even arranged with the veterans people to get two flags, one for you and one for your mother. He left nothing undone. It still gives me the willies to think about how efficient he was. Your mother didn’t even have to sign a check. It was all taken care of in advance.”
“No one told me.”
“No one knew but me.
“Listen Randy, it’s Friday and I’m not going to be able to get to the post office until Tuesday. I’ll get this into the mail and you should have it by Wednesday, Thursday at the latest.”
“What am I supposed to do about it until then?”
“I wish I knew. Until, then,” and he hung up before I could utter a word.
“That’s two down and one to go,” I said as I put down the receiver.
Mom was the last person I wanted to talk to about this situation. She’d never let me know what was taking place. She’d kept this secret for my entire life and she’d even allowed it to drive a wedge through our relationship. She seemed perfectly willing to destroy what little relationship we had left provided that it would preserve her secret.
Knowing this, I had to ask myself if it was worth it. On the one hand, I had the curiosity that was killing me and on the other one, I had the hope of reconciling with my mom. This would be the hardest choice I’d ever have to make in my life. I had to choose between the cold hard reality of the truth and the promise of the fulfillment of a life long dream. Neither option promised happiness as far as I could see.
I spent the next few hours trying to avoid this choice. I was able to complete a dozen returns in record time. I even had time to review them for a second time and was forced to make a change on the second one. By the time I was e-mailing the files to the government, my wife was calling me to dinner.
After supper, I read a dinosaur book to my son and then went back to my office. I sat in my chair for a while and tried to muster up the courage to call my mother. After about ten minutes of debate, I decided to wait until the morning to call.
I had trouble sleeping that night and was up and stirring before dawn. My e-mail contained the information on several more returns that Malcolm had sent me. I decided that I’d wait until ten o’clock before I’d call momma. I wound up waiting until sometime after noon before I mustered the courage to place that call. Once I decided to do it, I picked up the phone and began dialing her number. She picked up on the fifth ring.
“Hello,” she said.
“Mom, this is Randy.”
“How’re you doing son?”
“Well and you?”
“As well as can be expected, you know, given the circumstances.”
“Mom, I don’t want to beat around the bush. I’ve got something I have to ask.”
“If you’re calling to apologize, don’t worry about it. Momma’s already forgiven you.”
“Apologize? Are you kidding?”
“No, after the way you carried on Thursday, I’m surprised I’m even talking to you.”
This was something I had not expected. I was momentarily taken aback by her words. Unsure of what to do, I hesitated, but she didn’t.
“If you didn’t call to apologize, then why did you call? If you’re trying to finish the argument you started, I’ll hang up on you. I won’t allow a son of mine to be disrespectful to his mother.”
“I didn’t call to argue with you. I’ve got a question to ask.”
“Ask it.”
I could hear the caution in her words and I imagined her on the other end standing ready to pounce when I asked or stated the wrong thing.
“I was wondering about something and I was hoping you could help me with it.”
“I’m listening.”
“I don’t even know how to ask this, so, I’ll come on out with it.”
I heard her take a deep breath and then silence.
“Mom, I was wondering what big secret you are keeping that involves me?”
“Where did you hear that? Have you been talking to you aunt, Katherine?”
“Yes.”
“What did she tell you?” Her voice changed. I could hear the fear in her voice.
“Nothing, she denied knowing anything about it.”
“She’s right, there’s nothing to it.” This time I heard relieve in her words.
“I don’t believe that.”
“Are you trying to start a fight?”
“Nope, just get at the truth.”
“There’s no truth to get at. You’re wasting your time on some deranged and childish fantasy.”
“Uncle Donald doesn’t think so. As matter of fact, he admits there’s something out there, but he refuses to tell me what it is. He suggested I talk to you.”
“You believe Donald?” She forced a laugh. “He’s getting senile. Everybody knows that.”
“He’s sending me a letter that is supposed to tell me what this is about. Do you want me to wait until I get the letter or are you going to tell me now?”
I was met by silence. This went on for about twenty seconds and then I head a click from where she had placed the receiver back on the telephone. Unsure of what else to do I called my brother to have him go check on her to ensure she was okay.