I stood there in her doorway for a few minutes before I made my way back to the Jeep. As I turned the ignition to start the vehicle, I glanced at the bay window that looked in on the living room. She was standing there watching me.
I thought about getting out of the vehicle and going back and knocking on the door, but I didn’t. I sat there staring at the window like a child glaring at his closet door for fear of the boogeyman coming out of it when he’s not watching.
I spent at least ten minutes debating whether I should go check on her or not. The argument we just finished was a pattern we had fallen into decades ago. She’d become angry over something that wasn’t my fault and then blow up at me. I’d give her time too cool off and then go her in order to apologize for something I hadn’t done. After that, I’d promise to try to do better. She’d growl about it, but would forgive me for not being able to stop the event that upset her. Sure, it was a love based upon domination and manipulation, but when you’re desperate to be loved and accepted, any love will suffice even if that relationship is a poisonous one.
I looked at my watch to see what time it was and it was a few minutes past noon. I looked back up at the picture window and noticed that she wasn’t there. “If she’s not going to work on it, then I’m not either,” I thought. Without saying another word, I put the vehicle into drive and eased out of the driveway and onto that wandering country road. A few miles down the road, I pulled off at a secluded spot and cried for several minutes before I decided to head back home to Lawrenceburg.
I pulled into my drive just before four in the afternoon. As I killed the engine, I’d look at my reflection in the review mirror. My eyes were red and puffy and my face seemed to have aged ten years.
I tried smiling because I didn’t want Jennifer to see me like this. I’d always been a solid rock for her and I didn’t want her to see me crumbling. Also, I wanted the boy to see me as a man who could handle any situation and were he to see me crying like a baby, it might hurt my standing in his eyes, or that was the lie I was telling myself. I gently slapped my face several times. “Get a grip on yourself,” I said as I tried to force a happy look upon my countenance.
As I entered the house from the garage door, Kieran ran up to me and jumped into my arms. “Hi, dad, I’ve been waiting on you. I need some help with my homework. I hate homework.”
I pulled him in close to me and began to squeeze him in tightly. He returned my hug, but only for a second. He then pushed me away and began to look into my eyes.
“Why have you been crying?” he asked with as much tenderness as a seven year-old could muster.
“I’ve not been crying,” I lied.
“Uh-huh,” he countered. “Are they happy tears or sad tears? Momma says there are two kinds, you know?”
“Happy ones, definitely.” I pulled him in closer and whispered to him. “You are the most important person in my life. Who do I love more than you?”
“Nobody.”
“That’s right. And, what can you ever do to make me stop loving you?”
“Nothing.”
I smiled as much of the tension in my body began to ease. “You sure have all the right answers,” I commented to him.
“That’s because you told me what to say.”
I laughed aloud and I felt the day’s anger and pain slip from my mind. I’d put them away for now and would deal with them at a later date. Caught up in the moment, I was content to bask in my son’s total adoration.
“Eskimo kiss!” I shouted as I began to rub my nose against his.
He pushed away from me after a second or two. “After that, can we go play with my dinosaurs? You can be the gloop-duh-glooes and I’ll be the carnivores. And, I’ll hide and wait for the brachiosaurs to come out and play. And, as they go walking down to the river, they’ll be singing gloop-duh-gloo and I’ll jump out and eat ‘em.”
“Can I speak to your mother first?” I asked as I set him down.
“Only if you make it snappy.”
“I’ll try.”
I patted him on the forehead as he turned and headed back down the hallway. I then looked at my wife. She had just entered the hall and I could see a look of concern on her face. I found comfort in her gaze. No matter what else happened to me, I still had the love of these two people and I was grateful for that. God could destroy everything else, but these two were untouchable. I’d see to that.
“How’d it go?” she asked. I could hear the caution in her voice.
“Don’t ask.”
“Why? What happened down there?”
I looked at her and gave a small laugh, but it was one born out of frustration rather than hope. “I really don’t want to discuss it right now. I’ve got plans to have a bunch of large dinosaurs be eaten by a herd of meat-eaters.”
“Won’t you at least tell me how you feel?”
“Like everything is my fault and isn’t my fault at the same time. I feel like I could scream, but know that won’t help. I guess mostly, I’m numb, and just need some time to figure things out. And, I’m mad at God. If He loves me so much, then why is he doing this to me?”
“Maybe He’s working on you. God can’t work with you until He breaks you. Maybe He’s trying to do that?”
“He broke me weeks ago. Now, He’s just piling on and He knows it. If you ask me, this thing between the two of us is personal.”
She laughed tenderly. “Now you’re getting it. With God, it’s always personal.”
“Personally, I wish He’d just leave me the hell alone. I’ve taken His best shot and I’m still standing! I don’t fear Him. What else can he do to me?”
“Don’t talk like that! Are you crazy? If you tempt God, He’ll destroy you.”
I began to laugh. It was a maniacal crazy laugh. The kind that comes out of a man whose mind in not all there and what is left is consumed with a combination of fear and anger. “What else can he take from me? I’ve taken His best and all I know is that the God of love hates me above all other people, why else would He do this to me?”
“Because He has plans for you and the more broken you are the greater you will be when He rebuilds you.”
“I’d rather be dead than submit to Him.”
“Don’t say that,” she croaked and I could see genuine fear in her eyes. “Don’t challenge Him. Here’s one battle you can’t win.”
I laughed aloud. “I’ve already won. I don’t need Him and I hate Him as much as He hates me.”
“Then, I’m truly sorry, because He’s about to shake that pride out of you and I hope I’m not around when He does it.”
“Then, I welcome the challenge,” I said defiantly.
She looked at me with terror in her eyes. Without saying a word, she turned and walked away from me.
I silently cursed myself for being a fool. She was a wonderful wife and was not deserving of the dressing down I had just given her. I wasn’t angry with her, but I had taken my anger for God out on her. Heck, I needed her now more than any other time since I’d known her. I thought about stopping her and apologizing for my words, but was afraid I’d say something inappropriate so I let it go.
As she started up the stairs, I turned and went back into my office and began searching my database looking for clients that I thought would come with me now that I had been forced out at Cosby and Associates. The first name I for which I searched was Adolph Fields.
Once I found his name, I picked up the phone and began dialing his number. After three rings, a stern female voice came over the line.
“Fields Energy, may I help you?”
“May I speak to Adolph?” I asked.
“Mr. Fields is in a meeting. I’d be happy to take a message for him?”
“My name is Randy Johnson. Could you tell him I called?”
“Are you Vernon’s boy?” she asked. Her voice seemed to soften. It wasn’t as formal as it had been.
“Yes, I am.”
“He was hoping you might call. Make you a deal. I’ll take down your number and have him call you, but if he hasn’t called in an hour, call him back, okay?”
“Sure, my number is easy to remember. It’s (502) 555-1234.”
“Got it. Thanks Randy and I’m deeply sorry about you father. He was a wonderful man.”
“Yes, indeed.”
I hung up without saying another word. I was about to search for another possible client when the telephone rang. Thinking it was Mr. Fields, I picked it up without even looking at the caller ID.
“Randy Johnson,” I said into the mouthpiece. “May I help you?”
“Randy, its Alex,” rang my brother’s voice in my ear.
“Alex, is that you? Why are you calling at this time of the day?” Alex was one of the tightest people in the world when it came to money. He hated to spend it and even prided himself on his tightwaddedness. If he were calling at this time, something had to be wrong.
“It’s momma,” he said. “She’s in the hospital at Hazard. They think she’s had a nervous breakdown.
“What happened?” I asked even though I knew that it was me who had pushed her over the edge.
“We don’t know. Janice took the afternoon off from work. She found momma lying in the fetal position when she came home from work. She’d stopped by Subway to buy us some sandwiches for lunch. She figured she get momma that bologna salami one she likes. When she dropped it off, momma was lying on the floor mumbling like a crazy woman.
“Janice tried to work on her, but realized that there wasn’t nothing wrong with her physically. So, she called the rescue squad and they sent an ambulance to come and get momma. Once they got there, the EMT’s realized the problem and took her to the psyche center over at Hazard.”
“She gonna be all right?” I asked.
“Don’t rightly know right now. We’re in front of the hospital. I couldn’t get no reception from inside the building and am barely getting a signal in front of it.
“They’re supposed to let us know just as soon as they figure out what the problem is. The second we find out we’ll let you know.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
“Randy, if it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have none. I’ve never seen things this bad in my life.”
“You’re a Johnson. That’s kind of our lot in life. God blessed us with tons of luck, unfortunately it’s all bad.”
“I gotta let you go big brother. I love you.”
“You too, Alex.”
As I put the receiver back into its cradle, I raised my head and looked upward. “Way to go God!” I shouted. “Way to prove Your love for me. I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it.”
Too exhausted to deal with all the problems racing around in my mind, I walked over to the sofa at the far end of my office and collapsed unto it. I was so spent by the day’s events that I wrapped my arm over my eyes and was fast asleep before I even had time to think about them.
I was awakened by the telephone. As I was coming out of the sleep, I heard the answering machine pick up the call. I started to go pick up the receiver but thought better of it. As I rolled over to go back to sleep, I heard a voice come on to the line.
“Mr. Johnson, my name is Sergeant Michael Miller with the Frankfort Police Department. If you could give me a call at your earliest convenience, I’d like to talk to you.”
The police, I thought. I wonder what they want. The voice on the other end of the line answered my thoughts.
“There’s been an accident and …”
I never heard the rest of that sentence because I jumped up off the couch and raced to grab the phone before he got off the line. By the time it took me to cover the six feet between the couch and the desk on which the phone set, my heart was racing like the wind.
“Hello,” I said. I began trembling as I dreaded what was coming next. Surely, something had happened to my mother.
“Mr. Johnson?” came the voice.
“Yes,” I replied.
“My name is Sergeant…”
“I heard that,” I interrupted. “What was it you said about my mother?”
“It’s your wife, sir.”
My heart nearly leaped out of my mouth and my knees nearly buckled under me. “Wh-what about her? Is she all right?”
“I don’t know,” was his response. “She’s at the Medical Center in Frankfort and she’s getting the best care she can possibly get.”
“And the baby, what about the baby? Is it okay?” I was beginning to panic and had to force myself to try and remain calm.
“The boy is fine. We have him at the station. An officer has been looking after him. You can stop by and pick him up at any time. Do you know where we are located?”
“Yes, yes, you didn’t answer my question. Is the baby all right?”
“I wish I knew, but we have an officer at the hospital. She was stationed there just in case you came in looking for your wife and child. I’ll have her come pick the boy up and…”
“What about the baby? I need to know about her. Is she all right?” Part of me was becoming angered by this man’s refusal to answer my question. Therefore, I began to speak louder hoping that the tone would get through to him. “What about the baby?” I shouted as loud as I could and spoke each word slowly so that he would understand.
“I don’t know,” he responded flatly. “Are you okay Mr. Johnson? We can have someone pick you up if you are unable to drive.”
“I’m fine,” I snapped even though I was not angry with the man. I hurt so badly that I wanted to scream at some one and he just happened to be handy.
“Good, we’ll have Officer Higgins stop in and pick up the boy. He’ll be in good hands with her. She’s one of the finest officers we have in the department. She’ll be waiting for you at the Emergency entrance. Is that understood?”
“Emergency Entrance,” I said without really knowing exactly what I was saying.
“Good, now be careful on your way in. The child doesn’t need both parents in the hospital. He’s and awfully fine boy.”
“Thank you,” I said and then hung up the phone.
Twenty-five minutes later, I was sitting under the stop light located next to the hospital. I was waiting for the light to turn green. I don’t remember much of what transpired from the time I hung up the phone to the time I reached the light, but I do remember what happened at the light.
As I sat under what had to be the longest light in the history of mankind, I began to ponder the day’s events. In less than a month, I had lost my father and a woman who loved me more than my own mother does; I found out the I was a bastard and the product of an illicit affair and a rape; I had been fired from the greatest job I’d ever had; my mother had gone crazy; and now, I was racing to the hospital not knowing if my wife and child were alive or dead.
The more I thought about it the angrier I became. My anger was not a scattered angry thrown around in a haphazard manner. It was a solid laser focused anger aimed squarely at my tormentor, God. How could He claim to be a god of kindness and mercy when all he ever did to me was to pour out anger and contempt upon me?
As I thought about it, I raised my fist in defiance and looked towards the sky with vengeance in my heart. “Way to go God! Show me your love. If this is all you’ve got, then all I can say is, bring is on!”
As the light turned green, I shook my fist at God once more before I made my way towards the hospital. I drove the few hundred feet from the light to the parking lot entrance and then followed the signs to the ER.
As I pulled my Jeep into the front of the emergency room, I noticed a strikingly beautiful black woman standing outside the entrance. She was wearing a well-fitted police uniform that complimented her outstanding figure very well.
She made her way towards my vehicle as I began to exit it. “Mr. Johnson,” she called as she approached.
“Yes,” I said. “Are you Officer… forgive me, I forgot your name.”
“That’s all right you’ve got a lot on your mind. The name is Latricia Higgins.” She stuck out her hand. “I’m glad to meet you but not under these circumstances.”
“Where’s Kieran?” I asked.
“Forgive me,” she returned. She slowly pulled her hand back to her. “I left him inside. We gave him some coloring books and colors…”
“Thank you,” I said as I made my way past her and into the ER waiting room. Unsure of what else to do, Officer Higgins followed me.
I noticed Kieran sitting in a chair located under the wall-mounted television at the far end of the waiting area. He was wearing a small cloth police cap and had a plastic badge pinned to his chest. Sitting beside him was a small stuffed animal dressed in Kentucky Wildcat Blue. Officer Higgins later informed me that it was department policy to give children brought into the station a stuffed animal. She stated that they gave a few hundred away each year. All of them were either purchased by the police officer’s themselves or else donated by private citizens or local churches.
“Kieran,” I called the instant I saw him.
He looked up at me and shouted, “Dad.”
We both began running at the same time. We met some where in the middle of the waiting area. As he jumped into my arms, I pulled him into me and began smothering him with kisses even though I knew this would embarrass him. Something was telling me that the kisses would ease both our pain and believing that with all my heart, I over did it hoping that I could kiss away the pain that was about explode from out of my soul with nuclear force.
Once I thought I was finished, I gave him a couple of more kisses just to be sure. He began speaking before I finished. “Momma and me were hit by a big van.”
“I know,” I responded even though I hadn’t known that. “Are you okay?” I held him back from me so that I could get a good look at him. He appeared to be fine, but I still was uncertain about it.
“The doctor said he’d have a few bruises, but other than that he should be fine,” said the police officer.
I looked at her and smiled as tears began to form in my eyes. “Thank you very much,” I attempted to say, but choked on my own words and managed only to get out, “Thank much.”
She smiled. “It was my pleasure Mr. Johnson. Kieran is a wonderful boy. I enjoyed hanging with him.” She looked at my son and winked at him. “We had fun didn’t we baby?”
My son nodded his head in agreement.
“I’m deeply indebted to you and the department,” I mumbled as I fought to hold back the tears.
She waved me off with a flip of her wrist. “That’s what we’re here for.” She ran her hands through my son’s hair. “Kieran, if you’ll stay here with me, we’ll let your dad go check on your mother.”
I looked at her with what must have been a shocked look on my face because she laughed. “He’s too young to visit her in the observation room,” she said. I could hear the tenderness in her voice. “Somebody’s got to stay with him and I’ve been assigned this duty and besides I like being with him. We’ve already discussed it and he’s agreed to stay here and color with me what time you go check on your wife.”
“Yeah,” stated Kieran in an excited voice. “Latricia is going to show me how to make a paper airplane.”
I looked at her and then pulled her in close and hugged her. I didn’t know how else to thank her. She was hesitant at first but, once she realized what I was doing, she relaxed and returned my hug. As I let go of her, she smiled and both of us knew that I’d be forever grateful to her for her kindness.
As I released my grip, she shooed my away with a flicker of her wrist. “Now get up there and check on your wife and baby. He’ll be fine with me.”
“Yeah Dad, Latricia is going to take me to the cafeteria and buy me an ice cream,” shouted Kieran.
I tried to say something, but the combination of gratitude and fear overcame me as I searched for the right combination of words to tell this remarkable woman how truly grateful I was for her kindness. She must have sensed what I was going to say because she mouthed the words, “You’re welcome. It’s truly been my pleasure.”
I acknowledged her continuing act of kindness with a large smile and a soft tap to the right side of her face. She gave me the thumbs up sign as I turned to head to the help desk.
The elderly woman at the help desk was more than helpful. She called the observation room and checked on my wife. Once she realized where they were keeping my wife, she asked one of the clerks to watch her phone while she walked me to where they had my beloved wife.
I stood outside of my wife’s room for a couple of minutes before I went inside. Part of me was rehearsing what I was going to say to Jennifer were we to receive bad news concerning the baby. I thought about praying, but didn’t. My mother had always prayed during an emergency and looked what that got her. No, I wasn’t about to kowtow to some being that hated me as much as God hated me. I’d just continue my war with Him until one of us gave up and left the other alone.
Still, thoughts of the baby filled me with fear and doubt. If it were true, that I was a curse and a plague sent by God to rain terror on those that I loved, then might not this just be another incident in a long and unbroken line of progressively more deadly occurrences that had haunted my family since my unnatural conception at the hands of drunken a rapist and an adulterous woman. Given my history, could I expect anything but bad news?
Resigning myself to my fate, I took a deep breath, wiped the tears that had formed in my eyes, forced a smile upon my visage and entered the observation room.
As I neared the bed upon which she was lying, I stopped for a second and whispered, “Jennifer, are you okay?”
When she didn’t answer, I moved up beside her and whispered again. “Jennifer, its Randy. How are you doing?”
Again, she didn’t respond. I spoke to her a third time before I noticed she was a sleep. I stood over her and began stroking her hair. As my fingers slid through her chocolate curls, I began to think back to the first time we met more that fifteen years ago. The first time I saw her she had her back to me and I remember thinking, how beautiful her hair looked. It was glistening off the sun and I wanted to walk over and stick my nose in her hair and smell it. I figured a mane that beautiful had to smell as wonderful as it looked. After we started dating, I would learn that her tresses did indeed smell as wonderful as they looked. It would be her hair and memories of those long thick rich locks that would hold my attention all these years. It’s strange what your mind will lock on and retain in your memory. It still amazes me that it was her hair and not her wonderful face or incredible body that first attracted me to her.
I was still running my fingers through her locks when a nurse entered the room. “Are you Randy?” she asked.
“Yes, why?”
“I have a telephone call for you. It’s a Homer and Lola Bates and they’re asking to speak with you. Do you want to talk to them?”
“That’s my wife’s parents. I’ll talk to them. How’s my wife doing?”
“She’s fine, but we’re keeping her in here but are getting ready to transfer her to a room upstairs. We want to make sure the baby’s doing okay before we let her go.”
“How long is that going to take?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “A day, maybe two, but I don’t think she’ll be in here over three. Well, if there ain’t no complications and such.”
“So, the baby’s doing well?”
“We don’t rightly know. That’s the problem. We’re reading good vitals, but we won’t know for sure until some other tests have been done. You need to get that phone. The head nurse don’t like to have her telephone tied up too long.”
“Thanks,” I said not knowing what else to say.
“They’ll be fine,” the nurse said with such an air of confidence about her that I almost believed her. “I’ve been praying for her and God’s let me know that both she and the baby are going to come out of this okay.”
“Thanks.” I wanted to tell her that were God putting His nose into my business, then nothing good could come of it, but appreciating her confidence, I held my tongue.
“Where’s the phone?” I asked.
“This way,” she replied as she motioned for me to follow her. I followed her to the nurse’s station and once there, she picked up the phone and pressed one of the lines and handed it to me without saying another word.
I took it and began speaking. “Hello.”
“Randy, is that you?” It was my mother-in-law, Lola.
“Yes.”
She interrupted before I could say another word. “How’s Jennie?”
“She’s fine. They’ve got her in observation right now. They’re monitoring the baby to make sure it’s okay. They don’t know right now. They say it’s too early to tell, but should something happen they’ll have her ready to go to surgery just in case.”
“What happened?” she asked. I could hear the fear in her voice. “What was she doing out at this time of the night?”
“I don’t know. Kieran said they’d been hit by a van or truck, or something like that. He didn’t get a scratch and I don’t know what happened to the other guy.”
“That’s good,” she said. “Where is Kieran? I want to speak to him. I want to hear his voice.”
“He’s with a local police woman. They’re down stairs right now. I’ll take my cell phone down to them in a minute and have him call you. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, but have him call me on my cell phone. Homer and I’ll be leaving here in a minute. We’re heading your way.”
“There’s nothing that you can do. You don’t need to be out and traveling at night.”
“She’s the only daughter I’ve got. I’m coming and that’s that.”
“Okay, but be careful.”
“Thank you. Take care of Kieran and we’ll be there directly.”
“Do you know where the hospital is located?”
“Homer looked it up on the Internet. We’ll find it.”
“Be careful,” I warned.
“We will.” She hung up before I could say another word.
I put down the receiver and began walking back to the observation room in which they had Jennifer. As I got to the door, I could hear voices. My heart leaped to my throat when I heard my wife’s voice. It was shallow and weak and sounded as though she was talking through a pipe, but it was her nonetheless.
I began to tremble when I heard her speak. This was the first piece of good news I’d had in a month. Something deep inside of me whispered, “Thank God,” when I heard her voice, but the anger buried in my soul pushed that thankfulness out of my system. After all, wasn’t God the cause of all of my problems in the first place? With that, I shook my head in order to clear it of such foolish thoughts. Once I’d done that, I entered the room.
As I entered, I noticed a nurse appeared to be checking my wife’s blood pressure while a second one seemed to be taking readings from some of the machines they had hooked up to monitor Jennie. The one working on my wife was talking to her and they both seemed to be smiling. Taking this as a good sign, I began to speak.
“Is that my beautiful wife’s voice?” I asked. I was doing my best to put up a false front of courage and optimism, but understood that she knew me too well to fall for such an obvious charade.
“I don’t feel pretty,” she said. “I feel pregnant and ugly.”
“But you’re still the most beautiful woman in the world to me.”
“You got a good one,” said the nurse taking her blood pressure.
“I know,” replied my wife. “I’ve been working on him for years.”
“You must be doing something right,” responded that same nurse. She then looked at me. “You ready to spend some time with her?”
“Always,” I replied.
“That’s the first lie he’s told you,” injected my wife. She laughed at that and both nurses joined in with her. I stood there smiling, but not at that statement. I was smiling due to the absolute joy that came from knowing my wife was going to live.
The nurses hurried to finish up and then made their way out of the room. The nurse that had been talking with my wife when I entered the room winked at me and said, “Take care of her, she’s been through a lot.”
I nodded my head to indicate I would and she patted me on the shoulder as she exited the room.
I stood there next to the door staring at my wife. She locked on to my gaze and we stood there for several minutes. Each one of us wanted to say something, but each one feared breaking the moment. Some time over the last few years, we’d learn to accept each other. Once we did that, silence became as much of a communication device as words. In the past, we couldn’t be in the same room without chattering at each other, but now, we were perfectly comfortable with those bouts of silence that are inevitable when people grow accustomed to each other.
I was the first to break the silence. “What happened?”
“You were asleep and I needed some milk and juice. I didn’t want to wake you, so I loaded the baby up and drove to Wal-Mart. At that light on Main Street, a delivery truck slipped on some ice and slid into my Explorer. He tore it all to pieces.
“I don’t remember much after that. I awoke in the ER and asked for Kieran. I wouldn’t hush until they brought him into see me. He was being taken care of by this nice police woman.”
I laughed. “He still is and they’ve become fast friends.”
“We’ll have to get her a gift or something to show our appreciation,” stated Jennifer.
“Deal. How about you?”
“They say I’m fine, but they’re worried about the baby, but I’m not.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“I put her in God’s hands and there’s no safer place in the world to be than there.”
“We don’t have to talk about that,” I said trying to avoid any conversation with God in it.
“I’m sorry, Honey. I know you think God hates you, but He doesn’t. He loves you more than anyone else loves you and that includes me and Kieran.”
“Sure,” I mumbled. “I just wish He’d prove it.”
“He does that every day,” replied Jennifer and with that, she laid her head on a pillow and within seconds was sound asleep.
I walked over to her, kissed her on the forehead and then began to whisper in her ear. “I’d settle for one answered prayer. That would be proof enough for me. Just one unexplainable answered prayer that’s all I ask. If He could do that, then I’d believe He loves me. All I see is His anger and hatred, but I want to believe that He loves me. I really do. I want to be loved and not have Him hate me as much as I think He hates me. All I ask for is on undeniable answer to a simple prayer. That’s not too much to ask for, is it?”